I really enjoy Facebook time hops. They remind me of times when my children were little, and of trials of which I am now on “this” side. Just Saturday, the time hop that appeared on Facebook from November 2017 was:
Uncharted waters...new hopes, new possibilities, and a new chapter in my life story. For whatever reason I've been given these songs to write, may they be ones of life and hope-may they be prayers for those who don't have enough strength to muster their own (as psalms and songs are often for me) or may they be strength giving words of rejoicing in worship to our God who redeemed us as His own. For whatever reason - may they be used in glory to the Father who makes all things new, even me.
In November 2017, I was in the midst of a valley, a valley in which I had never encountered at the depth that it sank. God had so much to teach me, and Satan came in close to use that time to break me down.
These times were fresh yesterday with the time hop being on my mind still, and as our worship pastor preached about how our worship is a weapon against the enemy, who works to deceitfully bring us down. As he spoke, I remembered my own struggles for several months two years ago. On those days when I had no other words, I prayed the Psalms and sang songs that would pray for me. Sometimes I couldn’t even sing, I just played and prayed the words in my head and heart.
I was not familiar with “Victory is Yours” by Bethel Music, so when I read the (new to me) lyrics to the second verse as they appeared on the screen at church, I was overcome with the weight of where I had been and where I am now.
“What Hell meant to break me has failed…”
The time hop, the sermon, and these words….overcome with God’s faithfulness and how He broke me to dust to rebuild me, and Satan tried to scatter the dust and tell me I wasn’t worthy of rebuilding. I had no idea the idols I was holding in my heart before God stripped them away by singling me out into a wilderness I had never known.
I was once bound by what others thought of me, words of “What would people think of you if they knew________about you.” (Fill in the blank!) Growing up, it was embarrassment over my big hands and feet. it was being bigger than my twin sister, which led me to be 118 pounds in a 5’10'“ frame, playing basketball and volleyball with only a peanut M&M and a cup of tea to sustain me for some days. I worked hard to earn academic honors and athletic honors and musical honors and class president and FCA president….not realizing that I had placed my worth and value into receiving accolades for those things. So, people would see me as a smart person, a hard worker, a good athlete, a good pianist and singer, a Christian - I would feel worthy of being recognized.
When I was a worship leader, I enjoyed the title - I felt like that title spoke to who I was: a musician and someone who loves Jesus. Those are both very true, but I had no idea the pride that I placed in that title until it was no longer my title. I was also bound to what others thought of me in this title: do I work hard enough, do I sing well enough, do I include others well enough, do I do new things enough….enough, enough, enough - am I good enough for God to use me?
God revealed this idol of what others think of me through the valley - really toward the end of the valley. He allowed close friends to become distant, He allowed me to struggle with my identity. People knew I was broken, but they didn’t know what to say, so most people said nothing at all. I could hardly go out of my house for fear of breaking down in tears at a moment’s notice. I had no choice but to find my identity in Him - and He changed my perspective.
As well, in this brokenness, Satan was after me. Whispers of disgrace, of not being good enough to write new music, of not being good enough to be used by God, of not being good enough to be checked on by close friends. “Not worthy, no one cares, you have issues you should hide or people will see your weakness.” At the same time, the Enemy was tearing my marriage apart. I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t find comfort in my husband and best friend, and our lack of relationship and my emotional “frazzledness” had our kids asking me if we were getting a divorce. (Praise GOD we stuck it out - and we have a stronger marriage now than before! take that, Satan!)
…now nothing will silence my praise”
The next lyric is “now nothing will silence my praise.” Oh, the richness and the depth of my security in Jesus now. My perspective is so different - I am so different. “He walks with me and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own.” Every second. I can hear Him…I can hear Him sing over me in love. My worship is free and unhindered by thoughts of what others think of me - I dance in His freedom and my heart is steady with His love for me! (Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a sinner in need of His saving grace every single day.) I also don’t place (as many) unrealistic expectations on my Brian… because Jesus is my everything, he doesn’t have to hold that position! (Again, I haven’t mastered this, but it is SO much better!)
AND..God has given me words and music and an avenue to share His goodness, His breaking of my chains, His forgiveness and wholeness, and His hope to others who find themselves in a valley. HIS, HIS, HIS in place of am I enough, enough, enough!
At the end of this year, I will have had 24 opportunities in different venues and different groups of people wherein I was able to share a testimony and/or a song! Had I been in the same place 2 years ago, I would not have had the time. Just as Jabez prayed, God has blessed me and enlarged my territory, and I didn’t even ask for it! (mine, however, was not without harm nor was it free from pain!).
“Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.” And God granted his request. 1 Chronicles 4:10-12
So, I tell of His goodness. I am more aware of testing the spirits to discern whether or not God is leading or Satan is breaking down and stirring up trouble. I am stronger and have a wider foundation beneath my feet, and an open handed trust (most days) in the Holy Spirit’s leading. I fight with a different confidence, knowing more and more of what Satan meant for harm in those days, God turned for good! All blessing and honor and glory be God’s - forevermore!
“Now nothing will silence my praise!”