Lonely. This word has described my writing journey and stay-at-home mom journey on more than one occasion.
Prior to the fall of 2017, I was greatly an extrovert. I looked forward to being in groups, to share and listen to others, and found great energy in that. “By myself” was not often a space for which I looked.
After my recent turning point in life, I found myself longing to be alone - no pretending like I was okay and no energy boost to be found - I just wanted to be at home, by myself. I needed space.
That space was not empty, however. It was room for me to pour out my heart to Jesus. To be tearful without explaining why, to be okay without explaining why, to cling tightly moment by moment without explaining why to anyone else, without justifying my feelings or my doubts or my being okay.
Lately, though, loneliness has been a looming, difficult word. I long to share the nuggets and bits of wisdom God has placed on my heart while doing laundry or walking in my wooded sanctuary, but no one is here. On days when I’ve had space to write, whether a notion or a song, I must find joy in that moment of expressing my heart to God. Sometimes I ask my kids or husband if they’d like to hear…sometimes they are kind and say they would like to hear or read what I’ve created, and sometimes I don’t ask. It’s an interesting space. At times I get teary about it. And then, sometimes a cashier at the grocery store gets a whole testimony about God’s presence in my day and the lesson I’ve learned!
Recently a friend came to my home for lunch and asked me how I fill my day at home when kids are gone. She works full time and was curious to know what it would be like to have the day at home. My response almost surprised my brain. “Laundry, dishes, cleaning, planning meals, organizing schedules, and then space to create.” The space to create surprised me, coming out of my mouth, and I suddenly realized the gift of space and time in that moment.
In Andrew Peterson’s Adorning the Dark, he describes a time when he was in high school riding his scooter down the road, and noticed the beauty of the sunset over the bright green rows of soybeans at a farm off the road. He sat down in the midst of the soybeans with pen in hand and began to write furiously about the beauty he was witnessing. He writes, “I was wonderfully alone, and yet the air was charged with a strange light that suggested anything but aloneness….The loneliness of the dark field was a prerequisite for the company I felt.” (p. 36 & 38)
You hit the nail on the head, Andrew Peterson. You don’t often hear people talk about loneliness. It’s often admitting a weakness or need, but in this passage, he describes being “wonderfully alone” and describes it as “a prerequisite for the company I felt.”
I have known that it is a gift to be able to work in my home, to be available to my kids, and to have empty space in which to write about what God is revealing to me; however, never before reading this passage from Andrew Peterson have I considered the loveliness of my loneliness. (Loveliness is a word not often attributed to loneliness, right?!) God continues to teach me new things, and it’s only because of the prerequisite of loneliness that I have been gifted with a lack of distraction and an abundance of space to hear, be aware, and be attentive to the Spirit.
One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Zephaniah 3:17:
The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
Not only is God in my midst, He seeks to save, He rejoices over me (shares my victories and rejoices over me, His creation), He quiets my thoughts with His love, and He sings over me! What a beautiful thought!
And so, I have re-evaluated my loneliness. Maybe my loneliness is the Enemy convincing me that no one can be trusted with my fragile heart or my vulnerability, or that no one cares about what happens in my home when everyone is away. Or, maybe my loneliness is my own sinful need for validation from others. I don’t think validation is a bad thing, but when the need for it brings grief, that’s when it has been placed as a higher priority than it needs to be. In His refining fire, the Holy Spirit gently reminds me I am beloved and valued by the King of kings and Lord of lords, and that’s enough.
The Lord my God, the King of Kings, is in my midst and invites me into an awareness of His Presence! A royal invitation to change the perspective of my loneliness into a space of loveliness.
The Loveliness of Loneliness © Shannan Miller, January 15, 2020
In the loveliness of loneliness, I know You are with me, For it is there that I commune with you and I can hear you speak. As I lay my thoughts before You, You help me call to mind The ways You have been faithful all my life.
And You invite me into an awareness of Your midst. Beautiful and Holy, Father, Savior, and my friend. So, boldly I approach Your throne of grace with confidence As You pull me in.
In the solace of Your nearness is where my soul finds its rest. The silence is not empty: You renew my righteousness. And You tell me I belong with You, as You belong with me. The blood of Christ is making me complete.
And You invite me into an awareness of Your midst. Beautiful and Holy, Father, Savior, and my friend. So, boldly I approach Your throne of grace with confidence As You pull me in.
(Go get Adorning the Dark by Andrew Peterson. Seriously. I just finished it last night, and I may reread it immediately.)